Insecurities.

I made my profile private for a month because I became insecure about my writing and paranoid that someone I know would find it and read it. After realizing that I do need a place to write my thoughts and advice from people I do not know I decided to make it public again. It’s been a pretty uneventful month so this post may not be very long =]

My biological brother, Patrick, called me a few days ago to catch up. I haven’t talked to him since my biological father, Mike, called me over the Summer. Honestly I was very suprised that he did call so I was wondering if something had happened…I was right.

Patrick is going to be arrested, he got into a fight over Halloween weekend with an ex-boyfriend of our cousin Ashlee. Apparently this guy used to abuse her and skipped town when everyone found out, 6 years ago. He just happened to be at the same Halloween party that Patrick and our cousin Lane were attending, Lane recognized him and Patrick walked up to this ex-boyfriend and broke his nose, also leaving him unconscious on the floor. This lovely fellow decided to press charges..which would normally not be so bad..but my brother was also dishonorably discharged from the Air Force because of drugs. So needless to say he was all upset on the phone, and I was trying to calm him down but a lot of stress has hit him all at once. He is tied up in a custody battle over “his” son..the DNA test is being done now..and wants full custody of him when it comes back, although because of this fight he probably won’t get him now. He has moved in with Sarah, our birth mother, and is having trouble with her over rent issues and staying out all night. He doesn’t have a job and is trying to go back to school in January, but with this whole baby issue that might not happen. I’m not really sure how to encourage him having not been in this position before, and I’m not sure I want to. I don’t really want to sugarcoat this for him because I don’t support this kind of behavior but at the same time he is my brother…it’s so confusing.

In other news I have decided to start going back to school for a Patient Care Technician certification before going to nursing school. I signed up for Med Term in January but my Student loan was denied for lack of credit history. We have a mortgage, car payment, and many other thing so I’m not sure how we have a lack of credit. We also don’t have 2400.00 dollars up front to pay for my classes, scrubs, and books. Which makes me upset because if we were on welfare with 4 children and no money I could go to school for free…but we do have money to pay back the loan that I can’t even get. It makes no sense. Patrick will be going to school for free because he is on welfare, and he doesn’t even take it seriously. I just want to make something out of myself, is that too much to ask?

Taking my mind off things.

Lately I’ve been feeling very productive, but I have been off this whole week with nothing to do so I’m sure that has something to do with it. I brought in all of our Halloween/Fall decorations, cleaned the kitchen numerous times, got all the laundry done, steam cleaning the carpets, and re-arranged some of our “year round” decorations. Sometimes it feels like no matter how many times I clean our house it becomes worse than before in a matter of hours. I read in a magazine recently that this might be a symptom of ADHD, but I highly doubt that…speaking of magazines I literally went through every single one we have, 100 maybe, and tore out recipes to put into my cookbook notebook…really I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Have I stubbled onto some crazy domestic goddess gene I didn’t know exsisted inside of me? I’ve clipped hundreds of coupons and arranged them neatly into a binder with card protectors. You should all be afraid, this could be the end of the world. Seriously, this is not me at all. I’m worried.

I painted my knife block for crap’s sake..at 2 in the morning. 

I think it has something to do with calling Sarah the other day, we were under tornado warnings and I was alone with no one to talk to. I broke down and texted her to see if she could talk and she called me and we talked on the phone about nothing in particular for about 2 hours. It was weird, normal, and nice all wrapped up in one awkward bundle. I told my Husband about it and he thinks I’m using her, but I wasn’t, I was generally interested in talking to her and for once she didn’t say anything that made me want to cry. We talked about how no one can understand what we are going through unless they themselves are also going through the same scenario. She compared it to my fear of thunderstorms, how no one can change that fear with words. I think she gets me, in some odd way, like no one else could. We even laughed a few times about a few of our similarities. I thought it was maybe the start of a relationship, but we haven’t talked since that day. Should I make the first move, or do I wait for her call? It’s been tearing me up since Tuesday so I think all this cleaning and what-not is something I’ve been doing subconsciously to take my mind off of it.

After all, we are our own psychologist every now and then. 

I’m still here.

I haven’t been able to post in a while, as I mentioned earlier I accepted a job as a nanny and I am really not used to waking up at 6:30 a.m. and unfortunatly LATE at night is when I feel the most inspiration to write lol.

Otherwise life has been oddly normal lately with no dramatic upsets or biological parent craziness.

When I found out that my biological Grandmother had passed away I decided to write an email to my biological mother, her name is Sarah and it’s probably easier to type out, to let her know that I am sorry for her loss and I also asked her to have my brother, Patrick, call me sometime. I know that he was very close with our grandfather but I never heard him talk about our grandmother. My biological grandfather was a pilot for the Air Force and I know that my brother wishes to be just like him, problem being that he was born a few weeks early and has been sick since birth, he did not pass the pilot health tests. I know this breaks his heart because every time I get the chance to speak to him our grandfather is all he talks about. Can I say that? Our Grandfather? Do I say his grandfather? I’m really not sure how to go about this, I don’t want to confuse anyone or myself in the process. Our biological father told me that “our” family migrated to the United States from Italy, his parents live in Pawley’s Island SC….they don’t know that I exist. I live so close but so far away, my Husband and I were considering going to Pawley’s Island on vacation but I’m so afraid that I’ll pass them on the street and not even know that I just walked past my relatives. I would look too closely at every face I saw trying to see some sort of resemblance that I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy our vacation. If I did notice them what would I even do, would I say something or just live forever wondering “what if”?

Anyway, back to my original point, Sarah never emailed me back, I’m not sure why. Have I been too reluctant? Have I ruined my chance with my bitterness? Do I care? I think I do. To be completely honest, and to sound like a 4 year old, it really hurts my feelings. I know that all I talk about in these posts is hatred and my own selfishness but I do care, deep down we share something that I will share with no one else. She is my mother, no matter what words you put in front of it. And I think I’ve lost her.

Is anybody out there?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need someone to talk to, to share experiences with that can understand my situation. I have my husband, who was also adopted, but we have two very different experiences. He can never find his birth parents, not does he want to, and mine have been thrown into my life. I thought that by writing this blog and expressing my feelings to total strangers would help, and it has, but it is not the same. I need someone to talk to that actually knows what I’m going through.

I posted yesterday that my biological grandmother passed away from cancer, I have not yet asked what kind, but either way it’s an upsetting word to hear. I told my mom about it today, she became very angry and told me to “stop being so dramatic”, then she hung up the phone. This conversation left me feeling very confused so I called my mother in law who, as an adoptive parent herself, explained how the situation is for her and how it is impossible for her to rationally talk to me about my “other family”…simply because they are my “other family.” So I understand, I do, but where does this leave me? I have no one who understands my confusion, my fear, and my anger. This is the first time a hereditary disease has come up and it scares me to death, I know that may sound selfish and you might be wondering why I am thinking of having cancer when someone has died. As an adoptee you wonder your whole life what might happen to you, every time you enter a doctors office you prepare yourself for the family history question, sometimes it doesn’t register to the Doctor and you have to further explain until they understand. So when something like this comes along it’s both a shock and an answer, “Ok, a family member had cancer, now I can add that to my history” “Ok, a family member has cancer, I could have cancer” both run through you at the same time and it’s just a massive jumble in your brain.

I need to share this burden with someone, before it tears me apart. I need to tell someone else how much this year has torn me apart. I need to hear “I know, me too, it gets better” from someone who actually knows that it will get better.

Is anybody out there?

Time

Today I found out that my biological Grandmother died of cancer. That’s a pretty scary word, and even more so is finding out that a family member has been diagnosed with it. Back when I used to talk to Sarah on the phone she would tell me that her mother’s dying wish was to meet me one day. I wasn’t so sure if she really had cancer or not because of how many times I had been lied to so I just went on about my life with no worries of that dreaded “C” word. And now, knowing that she has passed away I have to ask myself what if? Was I being selfish, to deny her what she wanted. And now, that it’s too late, I realize that I will never meet my biological grandmother. It makes me sad to know that all we have in this world is Time and everyday we are running out.

Should I be sad that she is gone? I don’t think so, from what I hear her last few months have been pretty painful and she was just waiting to go. Should I be happy? I don’t think that’s the right emotion either. I’m more or less at an in between, I am happy that she was surrounded by her family in her last moments, but I am sad that I was not one of them.

All we have is time, make the most of it.

I wonder

I wonder, Kellie Pickler

Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinkin’ about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They’re the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather’s nice in California. There’s sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you’d say to me.

I think about how it ain’t fair.
That you weren’t there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren’t around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn’t need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh I hear the weather’s nice in California. There’s sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you’d say to me.

Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you’ve been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather’s nice in California.
And just in case you’re wondering about me.
From now on I won’t be in Carolina
Your little girl is off…
Your little girl is off…
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

You have mail!

Ok, I don’t have mail, I have a facebook message but that’s just an icon and I can’t make a title out of an icon because I am not Mark Zuckerberg. I’m not keeping track but I think it’s been around a month since my birth mother contacted me last, so please don’t knock me if I’m wrong. Today I received the “How are you doing Katie” message. I don’t feel like sharing with her how I am really doing so I just say fine, I do believe I will share with my blog, because I know she will never see.

How am I doing?

Last month I was in the hospital with 104 degree fever and kidney stones, I had surgery, and I have since recovered. This week I started my new job as a nanny, I love the children already and I think my employers are just the sweetest people. My mother and her boyfriend of 7 years were married in Las Vegas this week as well, and I’m very happy for them. Yesterday I cleaned out my entire kitchen and reorganized it, and last night I had a horrible dream about rattlesnakes.

So there you have it, the exciting life and times of Katie. What I don’t need to tell you is the tightening in my chest that I feel when I see my face with blonde hair in my facebook inbox. The thoughts that run through my head when I think back to the phone conversations we’ve had, that just the other day I heard “Over the Rainbow” and I could barely stand from the blow to my stomach. 

For those of you that don’t know, my birth mother took me back a week after my adoption papers were signed. She kept me for one whole week before bringing me back, with one pink bear that played “Over the Rainbow” when you pressed it’s stomach. I sold that bear at a yardsale before my mother told me who had given it to me. My husband loves the version by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole‘, I tell him that I hate the song, that he plays it to much, but I do not tell him the reason why.

Please join the facebook page “Praying for Adam Lumpkins” He is my Husband’s 4 year old cousin who was diagnosed with leukemia on Christmas Eve in 2008. He is in the hospital now and needs your prayers. Thank you to all who join or say a special prayer for him tonight. 

The Day I Met You

I met my biological brother over Christmas Break in 2007. It was the best Christmas present I have ever gotten.

We met at the Army Surrplus store where I lived in North Carolina, he drove an hour and a half with our cousin Lane to see me. I was so nervous that it took me 10 minutes to get out of my car and go inside the store. When I finally mustered up the courage I walked in and saw my Brother holding an American flag laughing with our cousin. It was one of those moments where life is in slow motion. I wispered out his name and he turned his head towards me with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. We ran to each other and he picked me up and we hugged and didn’t let go for 5 minutes. I was crying, he was crying, Lane was crying. It was a moment I will always treasue. It’s one of those feelings you don’t know you have until you experiece it. I don’t even know how to describe it, but it just felt right.

We drove to my house so he could meet my mother, who was not to keen on the idea in the first place. We chatted for a while, took a few pictures and then we were off. We went to an indoor putt-putt course with a 3-D side and a haunted side, we played both. It was so much fun, it was so easy. I was so afraid the whole experience would be awkward but it wasn’t in the least. It was heaven.

We ate at Chili’s afterwards and talked for hours, I’m sure our waitress hated us. We said the same jokes, made the same faces, we both agreed Lane was just a little crazy. We talked about what it was like growing up, I spared the gruesome stuff. We talked about how we were so sad that we never got to experience this before. His phone rang off the hook the entire time, it was his mother, my biological mother. That was kind of awkward, but I guess I understand why she was calling.

I miss that so much. I want that back, I want a brother. But it’s just so hard.

Why can’t you just get over it?

“Why can’t you just get over it” If I could count the times I’ve heard this particular phrase in association with my adoption I would probably need a calculator. But hearing it from one person in particular on Tuesday really did it for me. Why do I need to get over it? Is there a law I’m not aware of that demands a time frame for grief? If so, by all means, throw me in prison! Because I can’t just get over it, I can’t just stop thinking about the woman who carried me in the most intimante way one could carry another for 9 months. I can’t just forget the brother that I didn’t get to pick on growing up. I can’t just forget the father that I never had. All those people, hundreds of BLOOD related relatives that I don’t even know exist. How does one go about forgetting that? PLEASE tell me your secret, so I can just get over it already! Don’t have one?! That’s right…you have no idea what it feels like. I have a nephew, a little baby I will probably never meet, that I will never hold and coddle the way an Aunt should. I’ll never be able to spoil him at Christmas and be the ear he turns to when he needs someone other than a parent to listen. I will never know what it feels like to be the sister that I’ve always wanted to be.

Picture it…Doctor’s office, nervous 21 year old girl, kidney stones. 

I tell my mother that I’ve asked my biological cousin if kidney stones run in the family.

“death stare” Why would you ask her that?

well because it could be genetic, and I’d kind of like to know if this will happen my whole life.

“irritated” They are not your family, I had kidney stones, you got them from me.

Mom, this isn’t the time to joke.

I‘m not joking, I’ve been meaning to tell you that she was just a surrogate I used, you are really my daughter.

You know that I still struggle with my adoption, please don’t make it worse.

“pissed off now” Oh for god’s sake Katie, just get over it!

So I ask you this blog world. What is the cure? How does one get over something, am I crazy for not being able to? Should I care this much about people who gave me away so easily? How do I go about this when those people have told me they regret their decision, that they want me in their lives. How do I move on. How do I stop caring. How do I just pretend that I don’t have a family out there, that when my phone rings I wonder if it’s one of them. How do I explain the dreams I have, dreams of what would have been.

Now tell me how many of you hate the words “just get over it”. I am sure I’m not alone.

I for one think the Dixie Chicks said it best.

Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I’m not sure I could. They say time heals everything, well I’m still waiting. 

Nanny for hire

Got a new job today, as a nanny. Just FYI, I’ve never been a nanny before so this is going to be an adventure.

Here is my dilemma. I have been out for 2 weeks because I was in the hospital for kidney stones, and I am going back to work Thursday. Should I give my notice then or wait until Monday? I’m kind of nervous that my boss is going to accuse me of taking 2 weeks to find a new job, which I totally didn’t do it just kind of happened. Also trying to think of a good resignation letter that doesn’t make me sound like a bitch is going to be a hard one too. I have really good reasons for leaving, I was promised full time when I started and it’s been a year and I’m still part time, my husband and I moved about 30 minutes away so gas is not feasible. Did I mention my boss is bi-polar and totally capable of just telling me to get lost when I give my 2 weeks? Yeah…she’s kind of insane. I kind of can’t be without a job for a whole month.

Anyway, back to the nanny thing…I’m pretty excited because this is so different than anything I’ve ever done…oh and I get to go to the zoo every week so that’s pretty awesome.

What to doooooo! What to doooooo!

Someone please save me. Thanks. I can’t pay you, but I can provide you a pretty picture.